He spread His wings and caught me, He carried me on His pinions!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Draw Me Closer to Your Heart LORD!

Really, when my family and I sprinkled the ashes of my precious son, Johnny, over the side of a small boat, on the harbor, my heart broke and I thought to myself - is this life? Is this REALLY the good life?

This was a brand unlike any other loss I had lived through from my youth.

It seemed, no one could hear the sound of a mother's broken heart - not even God.
My eyes seemed to be closed to everything around me.
My world was colored gray.

I questioned my faith: Is God REALLY good?

How could God be good when one of my precious children had been taken?
How could God be good when marriages fail?
How could God possibly be good when dreams are crushed and then die?
How could I EVER live again, when life seemed filled with so much tragedy?

Where was God's grace?
Where was the joy of the LORD, that was once so familiar?
Where was this God who once filled my life with good?

Where was God as I seemed to be drowning in a sea of darkness?

How will I EVER wake up and feel His joy, His grace, His beauty again?
Emotions of hope seemed like a far away dream.
I hungered for a world that was no more.

Was this the legacy of the garden, where what was once good - went bad?

Two plus years have passed since my son, Johnny, skated into heaven.

Johnny is not forgotten.
His mother, however, hungers for heaven like never before yet embraces the adventures of tomorrow, in this fallen world.

Yes! If it were up to me, I think, I would write the story of my family completely differently but then again maybe not! Why? Because I don't have the Big Picture like God does. I am learning to accept that there are some mysteries I will never completely understand until I reach heaven.

I just wonder -
Maybe nothing else could draw me close to the heart of God or
show me how to abide in His rich goodness
like those empty places [losses] in my life or
grow me in His purposes?

God is Good - Always Good.
It's this world that is broken.

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